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It’s only every seven years that you get to celebrate Taco Tuesday and Cinco De Mayo on the same day. 
A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I don't know what everyone's complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents' basement.
What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
“In life we all have an unspeakable secret, and irreversible regret, an unreachable dream, and an unforgettable love.”
My phone number is 1 digit away from a local pizza place. I still take people's orders, because I hate people who can't use a phone properly.
IF all women are crazy… Then… You might as well pick a pretty one.
Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and “read” the card.
If you can't say anything nice, say something vague on Facebook.
Coffee , you're on the bench ..... Beer , suit up , you`re on .........
You can only say, “WTF?” so many times a day, until you just decide to start drinking.
Woman's Logic: Bikini - No problem. Bra and underwear: - OMG DON'T LOOK!!!
There's no sex like the ‘we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.
PROFILE PICTURES: What people want other people to think they look like. TAGGED PICTURES: What they actually look like.
Most females think they can change a player, but the truth is it's not the player that needs to change, its the girl, because every player is on a mission to find that one female which makes him lose his desire to play.
When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What! I took an oath!
Finally, that rare and elusive Monday we like.
Facebook going green? Because I'm seeing a lot of people reusing the quotes.
Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy. Men have to deal with Women. It's all about balance.
Ever think somebody taking 2,473 pictures of themselves EVERYDAY and posting it on facebook is a lil overkill? 