Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   People who are offended by offensive things offend me.

   Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

   This beer just accepted my friend request!

   This joke was sent from the iPhone 5 I'll be buying in a few months using Apple's new 'Time Travel' feature.

   There's plenty of room for all God's creatures... right next to the mashed potatoes.

   A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for some batteries. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said,"Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need the batteries!"

   My neighbors are slamming doors and screaming at each other, keeping me awake. I retaliated by playing Nickelback super loud, We all lose tonight.

   The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie.

   Whenever I feel hungry, I just log onto Facebook and like everyone's food pictures until I feel full.

   I really tend to have less tolerance of ugly people.

   Why is it called a bull riding “accident” when the bull ends up hurting the rider? If someone strapped a rope around my nuts, wanted a piggy back ride, then proceeded to spur my ass, my wanting to f*ck them up would be no accident.

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send."

   On Columbus Day, we celebrate the discovery of places that have already been happily occupied for years.

   "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you've consumed.

   I guess firefighters really get pissed when you call and say your house is on fire and when they show up, you just want your pool filled for the season...

   I absolutely HATE when people put song lyrics as their status! It makes me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT! Throw my head back and SHOUT!

   Tupac died because he lived the thug life. This 12 pack is going to die because I live the chug life.

   I like messing with Texas by calling random numbers in Houston and telling them we've have a problem.

   Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber and One Direction walk into a bar. There's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny......

   To all the people who failed out of high school, just remember two things: 1) At least you tried your best, and 2) I said NO tomatoes on my burger, b!tch!