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Page: 11 of 33
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.
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05-12-2013 07:33 by
flinnie
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When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.
97
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05-12-2013 07:32 by
flinnie
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To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
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05-09-2013 06:28 by
flinnie
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I have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"
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05-08-2013 06:31 by
flinnie
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Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
161
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05-07-2013 06:13 by
flinnie
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Respect your elders. They made it through High School without Google or Wikipedia.
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05-06-2013 06:18 by
flinnie
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It's easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.
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05-05-2013 16:12 by
flinnie
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FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.
29
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05-02-2013 06:28 by
flinnie
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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it's there to stab potential taco thieves.
27
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05-02-2013 06:22 by
flinnie
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FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.
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04-30-2013 06:20 by
flinnie
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When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
103
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04-26-2013 06:13 by
flinnie
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If the breakfast club existed now I'd eat all their cereal and steal their cell phones
21
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04-25-2013 06:10 by
flinnie
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I got sent out of class once at school.The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them?' I replied, "Hello?"
48
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04-23-2013 06:16 by
flinnie
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Not only was I too embarrassed to tell the doctor about my symptoms, when I searched for it on WebMD, I added "asking for a friend"
25
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04-21-2013 07:25 by
flinnie
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Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON'T HANG UP" right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back
51
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04-19-2013 06:22 by
flinnie
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"Haven't had to use my brakes in a few minutes. Better make sure they still work real quick." - everyone in front of you on the highway.
44
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04-18-2013 06:15 by
flinnie
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I just can't stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to "stay cool"
84
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04-16-2013 06:22 by
flinnie
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I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I'm an FBI agent in a surveillance van.
22
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04-15-2013 06:24 by
flinnie
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Cop: did you see that sign? Me: yeah I saw the sign,..and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign, Cop: out of the car
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04-13-2013 07:07 by
flinnie
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Sometimes I like to order my food "to go" then eat the whole thing at the counter while staring the cashier right in the eye
47
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04-11-2013 06:19 by
flinnie
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