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When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate. 
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
My fridge is so full of beer I'm going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
This hot fudge sundae hasn't killed me so it must be making me stronger.
We all have that one friend we're trying to fatten up for the zombie apocalypse...
This Status maybe recorded for quality and training purposes”
All my ex wives shared the same name. "Plaintiff"
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Never do I wish I were a pirate more than when sitting in traffic next to the beer truck.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Thirsty Thursday should be a national holiday!!
No I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at what I think of you.
I heard Kanye West announced that he and Kim Kardashian are expecting a child. My sincere condolences to the child.
You know times are tough when you are totally jealous of your friends shopping spree... at the dollar store!
How has the guy who makes Capri Sun straw openings not been up for a job performance review?
Can officially confirm that the way to a man's heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.
My misery loves vodka, and hates company.
My Level Of Maturity Changes Depending On Who I'm With
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
It's not a walk of shame if you moonwalk through it. 