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Back in my day Werewolves didn't fall in love with babies...THEY ATE THEM!! 
Women spend all of their time deciding how to misinterpret everything you say.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon
My mother-in-law is a meteorologist. Well, not a meteorologist, but whatever it is called when you complain about the weather 6 times a day.
Nothing says 'I hope you choke on this and die' like the gift of a fruitcake
I wonder what happened and at what point a youngster decides, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a proctologist".
just found out that a "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. Apparently, I'm not getting ready in a "jiffy" any more.
To make a long story short...I walk away.
don't put words in my mouth...my foot is already in there.
My Dr, told me you are what you eat. I need to eat a skinny person.
You know someone's ugly when it's time for a group photo & they hand them the camera..
I can't remember the last time I had amnesia this bad.
I'm thinking when they say,, "Instant Credit",, I think they really mean,, "Instant Debt".
It;s amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumbass!"
According to my shattered iPhone screen, I had a pretty awesome weekend.
Some kids think they are so smart when they get behind a computer... Bi$ch, I have email accounts older than you.
The guy that invented caller ID should win a Nobel peace prize. Think about many marriages and jobs that invention has actually saved
Biologically speaking, the human body requires certain things to work in order to make a baby. Unfortunately a brain isn't one of them.
If Crazy was contagious,...you'd definetely catch it at my house.
I love how these photoshop models think they have "fans." Let's be realistic. Most of those people are not your fans, they just want to get you in bed. 