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Sometimes I'm really smart and other times, I'm here scrounging for stuff to p0st.. 
Now who is running a MARATHON?
if you are going to use a boat to escape make sure its in water not in water town!
I don't use the self-checkout lane, but I am looking forward to the fill-your-own-prescription stations.
I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.
I really gotta start saying "congratulations" Instead of "are you keeping it?"
If Coca-Cola really cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in.
Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you’re so damn funny.
the best way to understand paranoid people is to follow them around.
Where's B.lack Lives M@tter when 6 kids in Chicago get shot by other Black kids? Deserves an honest answer ... right?
My father taught me that Respect was something that had to be earned ..... So I'm still trying to figure out how looting and burning other peoples stuff is supposed to build respect for your cause.
Sequel Idea: Fresh Prince of Bel Aire 2 - A privledged kid from Bel-Aire is sent to live in West Philly to be given a hard dose of reality. Starring Jaden Smith.
If I were a hooker, I'd definitely market myself as "roadside assistance".
Girl logic: If I just ignore him he'll leave me alone. Guy logic: She hasn't told me to f*ck off yet so she must be interested.
A group of girls with a selfie stick is called a travesty.
And then her mood ring just...exploded.
I seriously doubt Dire Straits are still getting their chicks for free.
Depression is like being told happiness is right around the corner but you live in a circle
Sure having tight abs is awesome but you know what else is awesome? Pizza.
I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen... I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard. 