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BRO TIP: Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim. Don't be that guy, bro. 
Whenever you're feeling down, remember, you're the sperm that won.
Repaired a vacuum cleaner today. It was easy, I just stuck one of Hillary bumper stickers on it.. Now it sucks just fine. . .
9 year old: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married..... Me: That's every culture son.
I haven't seen one medal awarded at the Olympics for participation.
There are no Walmarts in Syria....only Targets.
Go Fund Me accounts are for kids with a life threatening illnesses, not adults who are too ignorant to plan for their future...
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
You laugh at me because I'm strange I laugh at you because your stupid!
65 days until The Royal Wedding. I can't wait. Seeing that family gathered together always makes me feel really good about my dental plan.
Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Sincerely, Thats physically impossiple
I miss the old “This is your brain on drugs” ad ‘cause I now do, in fact, have some questions.
husband for sale...comes with xbox controller
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know college has changed you when you see your 6 year old niece drinking out of a red plastic cup, and you scream, "Don't drink that... juice." Oh.
found out the hard way that his company doesn't celebrate National Speedo day...
Wikipedia: I know everything! Google: I have everything! Facebook: I know everybody Internet: Without me you are nothing Electricity: Keep talking!
People say the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else. Around here the hardest thing to do is replace the empty toilet paper roll and put your dishes in the dishwasher.
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.
Call me an artist, I draw attention. 