Funny Status Messages

   I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.

   All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.

   QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!

   I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

   I'm starting to worry that I can't stab someone in front of a cop without getting shot

   FDA approved does not mean scientifically proven. It means that a business deal has been made.

   If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.

   I just ate a box of stove top stuffing in my underwear while laying on the couch. So if you're looking to me for something inspirational, you should probably look elsewhere.

   At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it

   I have now survived 21,364 days and13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.

   If you don't own a dog whistle you can use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.

   Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.

   Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor

   “Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?” Asks new White House reporter Ronald Crump.

   You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"