Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   with all due respect, officer, you were also going that fast.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.

   Instead of throwing out expired milk,, I just write "with pulp" on it and put it back in the fridge... Easy-peasy

   I'm 35 years old and still haven't figured out how to fold a fitted sheet.

   took some time off from Facebook and got a LOT of work done. Won't make that mistake again..

   When you first start dating a girl, they say to look at their Mother to see how they'll look as they age. However.....I feel very judgmental when their Mother is practically the same age as I am:)

   will be attending Sleep. Invited By : Mr Sandman.RSVP: Yes. Location: My Bed. Time: Now until 7 Am.

   Thinks 'employee of the month' is a good example of how someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

   World population rankings: 1:China 2:India 3:Facebook 4:USA

   Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me??

   Ran around today shouting "I'm Free! I'm Free!" Some little kid looked up at me in disgust and said, "So... I'm four."

   What is the scariest part of halloween? Giving away all you Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!

   I'm almost positive that Mariah Carey will give birth to a stuffed animal.

   If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

   It only takes me ONE beer to get drunk: Not sure if it's the 8th or 9th one tho.

   Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

   Thanks to all my FB Friends, for once again, reminding me it's Friday. This is also FB Spring Cleaning Weekend. Time to remove all the apps, polls, fan pages, pictures and friends you just don't need or want anymore.

   Memo to my coworkers: It is Friday afternoon, and I have some serious web browsing and personal emailing to take care of, so please refrain from walking behind my cubicle. Thank you.

   Uh oh! The first signs of Fall. Cool weather and falling leaves. Hurry! Jump into your nearest relationship, which will end at the first signs of Spring.

   ARE you AS BORED AS I AM? Read these words backwards and it still makes sense.