Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Wives are funny creatures. They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then they want to kill the first woman who does.

   1 sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. This means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587GB in 3 seconds... And you thought 4G was fast!

   It's scary to think nothing can kill that 0.01% germ.

   Rihanna and Chris Brown recorded a duet together......i think its a cover of Britney's, "Hit me baby one more time"

   If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.

   I'm gonna stand outside a strangers house tonight with a lit candle & tell them it's in remembrance of all the people I killed there.

   Geesh calm down everbody... Maybe Rachel Dozel just considers herself a "incog-negro"

   I would describe my look today as "Open Casket"

   Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.

   A string of stars tattooed on your chest is a great way to let everyone know you're a 22 year old single mother of 4 kids.

   I texted my girlfriend "I love you" and she texted back "I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent "I love you moist"....I figured why correct it, it's true too.

   I'm thankful I'm a dude and don't have to post that BS every day this month...

   Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn't have to end at work.

   If I ever had enough money... I would start up my own towing company... and call it "Camel Towing"!

   I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.

   Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

   If your spouse was there for you when you were broke, and they were there for you when you lost your job, and they were there for you when the bank took your house, you should probably get a divorce and look for a new spouse because this one is bad luck.

   I'm not pressing S H I T for English!!!!!

   The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

   I married a petite, young beautiful thing. She was eventually eaten by the woman I live with now.