Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Thanks to modern medicine, people can be sexually active long past the age when anyone wants to see them naked.

   Whenever I sing,i put the cat in the front yard. That way,the neighbours can see it and know it's not being strangled.

   I love spending time with the woman of my dreams, it's the waking up and needing a cold shower bit I hate.

   a once your pants catch on fire, the fact that you just lied will become less important.

   Saying irregardless makes you sound irridiculous.

   The only thing I will help you with on Farmville is a slaughterhouse...lemme know when you're ready for a BBQ.

   They say that money isn't the key to happiness. If I had lots of money, I'd have the key made.

   it just me or does the friend finder on facebook seem alittle sketchy!

   The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.

   Every Chinese buffet I have ever been to has had a huge selection of Jell-o. Do they know something about gelatin that I don't know?

   WANTED: Hoarder to come and gather up all my random sh%t and drag it back to their hoarding lair.

   I'm old enough to know what's bad for me and young enough to do it.

   The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

   Why join a gym if you have Photoshop?

   Don't make me use UPPERCASE.

   30 minutes? I want to hear that from the pizza. Put the pizza on the phone!

   Everybody is somebody else's weirdo

   Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”

   Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

   Never question a woman's mood. Question her motive.