Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   What I lack in confidence, I make up for in whisky.

   Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.

   If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff...

   I discovered last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee in the middle of the night......Is sleeping right through them.

   Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.

   My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.

   I'm all out of damns to give, and only have a few flying f*cks left... but I'm saving those for a special occasion.

   what Willis is talkin' about

   growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

   totally missing his Kindergarten days..... I had a nap in the middle of the day and a snack when I woke up just for being a good boy while sleeping. At work I get a written warning.

   Let's put the kid's to bed and play with the box they came in!

   When your ex says: "You'll never find someone like me" you are supposed to turn around and say: "God I sure hope not!!"

   I wouldn't call Hugh Hefner a cradle robber as much as I would call his 24-year-old fiancée, Crystal Harris, a grave robber.

   Well, I guess people in Arkansas don't have to worry about bird flu this year...

   finished reading Facebook... My stalking journey is complete.

   I wish I could be as enthusiastic about life as my dog is about the arrival of the mail man..

   Plan B includes margaritas.

   all I know is ANY other day ask a woman what color bra they're wearing and you get a dirty look. Make it for awareness and colors are flying like the gay pride parade.

   Ahhhhhh. I love SPRING! Bright sunshine, slight breeze, about 70 degrees, and I am inside telling you people about it! See how much I care?

   Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.