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My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
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08-01-2017 07:33 by
snotty
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I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.
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08-01-2017 08:31
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For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?
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08-06-2017 13:16
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Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.
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08-08-2017 22:24 by
Chencho
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I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
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09-13-2017 06:45
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If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
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09-15-2017 03:38 by
AATON
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The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.
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09-16-2017 16:17
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You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.
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09-18-2017 01:36 by
Kisstopher707
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BREAKING NEWS: Jerry Jones wants the NFL to investigate the Denver Broncos for Domestic Violence against the Dallas Cowboys
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09-18-2017 21:30
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What's the best thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself. What's the worst thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself.
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09-21-2017 21:01
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If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
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09-23-2017 23:42
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So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?
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09-25-2017 23:46
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A smart man covers his ass. A wise man keeps his pants on.
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10-13-2017 08:03
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I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey
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04-13-2017 22:34 by
SEAN
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If I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender can I tell everyone that "Yeah, I Juice."
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09-02-2017 07:07
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ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
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09-02-2017 07:12
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I'm pretty sure my $2 Sportsclips coupon already told you I am not interested in the $60 shampoo, but thanks for showing it to me anyway.
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09-12-2017 00:34 by
markf
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If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.
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09-24-2017 21:48 by
Jake
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The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
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09-03-2020 14:04
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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
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10-02-2020 08:49
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