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My goal weight it to be able to breathe while tying my shoes. 
You know how TV commercials for burgers places make the burger look much better in the picture than they do in real life? Yeah, that's FaceBook
People who confuse the word "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
Facebook - The only place in the world you can be social while being antisocial.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
IT'S 2019 Why Isn't there like a booth to get my abs developed in an hour or less yet ?
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra' and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that my wife does.
Car washes are just another shower to cry in.
Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...
I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
If your child is eating Tide Pods, you failed as a parent.
Doctor: Do you use any illegal drugs? Me: Depends on the state.
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?
Today’s hairstyle at Walmart is called, “And I didn’t brush my teeth either.”
If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning
Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....
Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?
I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams 