joser Funny Status Messages

   nothing to declare except my genius

   The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'

   I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with keyboards

   shall not waste his days in trying to prolong them.

   I have often regretted my speech, never my silence...

   coffee: The gasoline of life...

   Does not drink and drive, I might hit a bump and spill your drink...

   My boss didn't know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.

   mixd whiskey with water and got drunk... mixed brandy with water and got drunk... I mixed scotch with water and got drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...

   Alcohol doesn't solve your problems…Neither does milk.

   Drink more beer, give a fat girl a chance...

   The fact that I can buy a song while on the toilet using my phone means no one is really working on cancer, are they?

   My check engine light is on. Someone needs to service me.

   do you think the creator of Snuggie is laughing his *ss off because he convinced a nation of people that its cool to wear a robe backwards?

   And then I was all like: "I'm really getting sick of your sh*t." And then she was all like: "To speak with a representative please say representative..." UGH!!

   What? That's not what "do the robot" means? It's a dance? Oh god. I am SO sorry about your robot.

   I got a letter from the college I graduated from... I hope it's a refund check for my murdered dreams.

   Wait, so the 3 day rule applies to calling a girl, and the 5 second rule applies to dropped food? It all makes sense now

   The list of things I won't eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.

   The truth is, when I start a statement with "the truth is" I'm usually lying my @ss off