snotty Funny Status Messages

   Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don't make the rules people.

   Hey,,Just started reading "The Chubby Checker Story". No spoilers please,,,,,,, apparently there's a twist.

   Ever wonder how many of your friends are jerks? Just post something with a typo in it..... It's like their mating call.

   A boy was being mean to my 6 year old daughter yesterday, so she punched him in the eye... Was ice cream the correct punishment?

   Pharmacists should stuff every third prescription bottle with one of those snakes that pops out at you... cuz laughter is the best medicine.

   I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!

   If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a parent,, Just go in your kitchen, scatter cheetos and sugar. Then yell Stop,, No,, & Don't 300 times

   They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

   So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?

   It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry

   If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.

   If you don't have a dog whistle,,,, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in a month.

   I keep a xylophone on me at all times,, just incase I have to tip toe anywhere

   If I ever go missing,,, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication, cuz you know those people won't stop looking.

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.

   I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo....... Wait, a 7yo just walked by,, Yep, still the only one.

   PRO TIP: Lose friends the quick and easy way by sending group texts.

   If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look.