I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist, They played jump, I jumped. They played "come on Eileen"...I got kicked out for that one.
Random Dude: "Sup bro you think you could piss in this cup in that bathroom for me I gotta pass this drug test. I'll pay you $60" Me: "...ya..." That dudes screwed
I have decided I am going to write erotica for the elderly. Excerpts from Chapter 1: "He wondered why she took off her Dentures. Later he could not thank her enough."
"Why is it that if a girl has sex with more than one guy she's a slut but if a guy has sex with more than one girl he's a legend?" The guy replies "If a lock can be opened by more than one key it's useless but if a key can open many locks its a master key
I just inadvertently murdered two snails in front of what I can only assume was their son. As a result, I may have just created the snail equivalent of the batman.