HiYourJon Funny Status Messages

   at this point in our culture I'm very surprised there aren't people with nut allergies boycotting the peanuts movie

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   Sorry for chest bumping Chuck E Cheese so hard he fell down and broke his arm, but in my defense the Kidz Bop version of Enter Sandman came on.

   Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.

   Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.

   I have laughed more at the Broncos offense then I have at the commercials.

   The Patriots defensive coverage today is almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.

   How do you get a fat girl to sleep with you? Oh c'mon guys... It's a piece of cake!

   Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Starbucks: 47 pictures.

   Why the hell is a group of Kangaroos NOT called a Kangacrew?

   i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, you collect it” so I wrote to the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

   My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white man who looked nothing like me. So I totally get it now. Oh wait that's not my waiter.

   Sorry I set up a smoke machine and played The Undertaker's theme song at your grandmother's funeral.

   Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.

   I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts "Batman" when he's drunk. I know I do.

   Walmart calls it the "self checkout" line. I call it the "I'm not going to pay for all of this" line.

   Justin Bieber wants to take Paul Walkers place in the new Fast and Furious film. Why doesn't he take his place in the car accident instead?

   What idiot named it toilet paper instead of crapkins

   what idiot named it erectile dysfunction instead of ballzheimer's

   Why "Trojan" condoms? Didn't the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.