Aaron Funny Status Messages

   And when I die, this will all be yours. *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   Just helped an elderly man cross the street by honking my horn repeatedly

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

   The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.

   "I already looked there." -Kids that didn't look there

   "Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?" I mumble into the tv remote.

   Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.

   Farmer plows the field. Farmer doesn't even stay for breakfast, stops returning the field's calls.

   The winds of change can blow me.

   Above and beyond? I mostly go below and around.

   Theoretically if China went to the moon and knocked over our flag what would we do about it

   It is a big burden being the only one who can prevent forrest fires.

   If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.

   When I die, it will most likely be of embarrassment

   Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.

   Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?

   It took dozens and dozens of flushes, but my guinea pig's funeral is finally over.

   The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

   "Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting

   Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?