Funny Status Messages

   My family loves the Patriot Gaurd Motercycle Riders who shielded us at my nephews military funeral. At the next military funeral I want to also invite the Hell's Angels to give the same love to those protesting hatemongers that they give to others.

   A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

   Great minds think alike but dirty minds work together. ;)

   Saw a guy return a wedding set at Walmart today and get his $36 back. I'm guessing her answer was, "No."

   If I truly posted what was on my mind........I'd most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now! Enough said

   No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.

   The best way to win an argument is to play dead.

   Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps it's mouth shut.

   Jim Morrison was right: People ARE strange.

   This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.

   Drinking & driving is extremely dangerous. Yesterday evening while driving, I stuck my arm out of the window to indicate right turn and someone stole my beer...

   Two guys are in a gym locker room, one is putting on lace thong. "Since when do you wear women's thongs?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

   LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a damn lame reply saying "LOL".

   It's Thursday, which is "Friday Eve" in Optimisian.

   I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.

   As I've grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible! But pissing everyone off...that's a piece of cake!!!

   I miss having a girlfriend. I get so tired of listening to whatever music I want, on road trips to wherever I want to go, with zero guilt.

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy fat-ass."

   I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."

   I don't know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.