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I am very patient with people because I don’t interact with any. 
My son found a cassette tape in the basement. It's like watching 2001 Space Odyssey in real life.
What you read here may or may not be about you; but if you see yourself in it, then don't rage at the mirror
I hate when I say something stupid in a conversation and then it gets stuck in my head for the next 20 years
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
Her: I don't get mad. I get even Me: sounds like you're still mad
Planning a wedding with your fiancee is good practice for divorce
Arguing with your wife is like buying a lottery ticket. You probably won't win but you still give it a try.
I'm so happy these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water. That’s roughly how many times I need to flush.
If the warehouse store is surrounded by barbed wire the prices are usually excellent.
I personally prefer Right Twix because I don't agree with Left Twix's stance on crumb control.
Make sure to use the extra hour this weekend not changing anyone's mind about the election on Facebook.
Feeling pretty good about myself -- just used the self-checkout line and only needed to call the attendant twice.
Waiting for the election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project. I know I did my shi$ right but I'm worried ya'll F'd it up..
When they go low, we get high. . .
"Please stop being mean" - Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle
My entertainment today consists of browsing the commitment reports to see how many domestic battery arrests were made during Thanksgiving dinner...
Brushing your teeth is the only time you get to clean your skeleton.
I try to live an #adventurous life but its hard to do it with $17 disposable #income a week.
This Christmas you can either join the Mile High club or the less prestigious Rock Bottom club, having sex on a Greyhound bus. If that's not rock bottom, I don't know what is. 