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Kind of unfair that dentists are the only ones who have the freedom to shove their hand in someone's mouth when they start talking. 
I've been on a million first dates in my life, but there is still no rejection like a toddler refusing to high five you back...
When all the confusion exhibited at a four way stop is considered, it's really quite surprising that we ever made it to the top of the food chain
I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Newest Facebook Relationship Status: Pre-divorce
Don't "xoxoxoxo" unless you mean it... I'm not flying to Budapest again...
Wow. I have 4 events today, none of which I agreed to go to or expressed any interest in whatsoever. Thanks, Facebook!
My bucket list: ◻️ Beer ◻️ Ice
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic...
Co-Worker: Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Me: No, but I know a few on Facebook.
So, as far as that blimp breaking free from its cable today... The cable must have come from Comcast! Comcast Cable never works!
Yep, no one will notice you're fat if you use a dog or little kids for a profile pic.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
I hate it when people make words come out of their mouths
Surprised I didn't see pics of kids kicking and screaming titled, "Second Day Of School"
Yankee Stadium says it will start adding metal detectors as a way to beef up security. And then they went back to selling beer and baseball bats to New Yorkers.
Pay no attention to circling vultures, they're with me.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I'm telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours 