Funny Status Messages

   I deserve to be important to someone......... I've spent too much time showing the wrong people they are important to me.

   You'd think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.

   Her phone display is brighter than her future.

   The other idiots at the interview didn't stand a chance, I wore 4 ties.

   The best part of the Grammys is not watching them.

   My bicycle lets you know that I am economical and environmentally responsible. The streamers on the handlebars let you know that I party hard

   If you're single and you know it pet your cat.

   When a financial adviser asks me my goals I'm embarrassed to admit that it's to ride a snowmobile on the moon

   Don't be that guy who says something depressing when everyone is having a good time.

   If the government shuts down, does that mean all of the politicians have to get real jobs?

   I went to my 35th high school reunion and realized that "the one that got away" turned into a "dodged a bullet."

   My sense of humor has been described as,,, "please stop" and "you're ruining dinner"

   I just called. To say. I texted you.

   Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.

   98% of the heat fans just opted out too.

   Suing for $10,000,000 for being caught sleeping on camera??!! I gotta start napping at work again.

   I'm sorry, I'll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I'm a giant.

   I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.

   My coffee was so bitter this morning you'd think I had divorced it.

   You can always count on the sperm bank to take the load off of your hands.