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I bet the taliban is watching Honey Boo Boo saying "We can now watch them destroy themselves." 
Colorado Legalizes Marijuana and peyton manning buys 20 papa johns stores in Colorado! some people just get it!
I noticed last night that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
So yesterday at about this time, I was all like, "I'm so thankful for my friends, my life, my freedom." Today...I'd risk prison punching you in the neck for a flat screen.
I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight.... Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert.
5 symptoms of laziness --> 1.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
“Who is this I just got a new phone?” Really means I didn’t bother to store your number because you aren’t that important.
I'm glad Lassie wasnt my dog. I just want to watch TV, I don't want to be constantly rescuing people.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
First you have to tell 'em Santa's not real. Then you have to tell 'em Nicki Minaj is real.. ..no wonder the kids are confused.
When I was 7 I saw a sign that said "ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES" and I thought...That's s huge amount of pressure to put on one kid
Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
I can't help being lazy. It walks in the family.
One good thing about Twitter is that it keeps all annoying people away from Facebook.
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself
Oh, you were hurt in the past huh? Well, 1) we are all hurt at some point, 2) get over it and 3) I'm not the one that hurt you so don't treat me like I am.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money
When the alcohol goes in, the truth comes out.
In my day a mouse pad was a place rodents lived, a cursor was someone you avoided, and if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you sure never told anyone. 