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Sometimes all it takes is a simple change in attitude to turn your life around. =] 
Lights off, Music on, Phone in silent mode, tired body and calm mind; Perfect recipe for good night sleep.
Just overheard someone say "I've got a gut feeling in my stomach." That kind of use of the English language makes me want to punch his face in the face.
I just committed the perfect crime. I stopped paying my shrink. He took me to court. I pleaded insanity.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner.
Spring is almost here! Happy people walking, kids playing outside, dog sh!t everywhere.....Life is grand!
Welcome to Facebook. Feel free to attack, judge and air your own and everyone Else's dirty laundry!! Don't forget to keep it Catty and Cryptic!!
When I'm on the phone, I like to press the buttons and say "Would you please stop doing that!"
A girl I know went to apply for a job at Hooters. She said there was no application, they gave her a bra and said, "Here fill this out."
When did Facebook turn into an Emo message board?! Seriously, cheer up or I'm unfriending your ass!
Reckons that in the right light,at the right angle,if you squint & stand on on leg,I might look like I give a damn
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she is fat and you try to reply "Noooo", auto correct changes it to "Moooo" so that's pretty cool.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
She wanted to eat at a Chinese restaurant. I didn't want to eat at a Chinese restaurant. So we compromised and ate at a Chinese restaurant.
Ignore him and he will go away, simple solution
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD,, and it told me I have Gary Busey.
Wait?.. If being vegetarian is SO good for you, how come you don't have the energy to shave your armpits?
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........ 