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If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra. 
It's always fun to run out of the bank after cashing a check, and yelling "Go, Go, Go!" as you jump into your car and speed off.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
I'm so old, I remember when the internet didn't have commercials. . .
If I haven't offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It's in there.
Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I'm never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
My wife said I don't do enough work around the house. Its like she thinks this FB account just runs itself.........smh
First time I ever saw a dry-erase board I said "that's remarkable."
Married people are the best flirters.
Do you know how many people were gored in Spain during the running of the bulls? Same as last year: Not enough
Shakespeare once said: "It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography."
Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here in Government first.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
"You're beautiful. No, you're beautiful! No, No, you're Beautiful. No No No. You're beautiful." -Girls on Facebook Profile Pictures
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher!!
Your Tapout shirt implies you will kick my a$$, but your fake tan says you want to do something else to my a$$
We all have that one facebook friend that acts like it's their job to keep everyone updated on the weather, current events, and other meaningless sh!t with their status.
#ConradMurray guilty...guess this was the way to take the attention off of MJ being a weirdo with a drug addtction
I sent a Facebook friend request to the girl who had the party I was at last night. I immediately realized, however, that my new profile picture is of me, smiling and holding the trophy I stole from her house. 