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Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty. 
I am having debate withdrawal....So I'm heading to 7-11 now to spar with clerk about gas prices and Iranian sanctions.
What's a good Christmas gift for the woman who already has everything except morals?
How was I supposed know she was ugly? She had big titties.
Imagine how many people are going to commit suicide next month, simply because they believe the world will really end. On a related note: Imagine how much higher the world's average IQ will be come January.
why do psychics ask questions?
I have never once looked at a security guard and thought "I feel totally safe with that guy on the job"
When I am in love, I'm like a bird soaring through the sky straight into a window.
I got fired from work on pajama day... It's not my fault I sleep naked.
Just showed up at Walmart in an outfit I bought at Target,,, People think I'm some kind of movie star.
I feel kinda sorry for Lamar Odom. Imagine the horror of waking up from a coma and the first thing you see is a Kardashian.
Maybe the baby wasn't on board. Maybe the baby was against the whole thing.
Last time there was this much crap over a cup there were two girls involved
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Dating progression Me at 16: She's ugly. Me at 21: She's alright. Me at 30: I'd hit that. Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn't work...
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results? 