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we often spend so much of money on buying clothes but never realize that some of the best moment in life is enjoyed without cloths! 
Dear 5 HOUR ENERGY ®, Some of us work 8 hours. Sincerely, A None-Government Employee
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is..
If before every major life decision, people would just say "What would Charlie Sheen do?"...The world would be so much more interesting....
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!......It'll take them an hour to pass the salt!!!
"Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." I said to my wife. "That's great" she beamed, "So what did she have?" I said, "One of those Blackberry Curves I think..."
Anyone else think they should limit Oscar acceptance speeches to 140 characters like Twitter?
Before Chris Brown did a concert with them,,, they were just known as "The Peas".
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
when a girl posts a bunch of quotes about how strong women are, avoid that s hit like the herp!!!
I cut my finger on a beer can last night. Now I know how Julius Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend.
If your legs open up faster than Google's homepage., you are a wh0re.. :)
When you're driving, and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the same time, there's no choice other than to drive off a cliff.
FBI released photos of the suspects in the Boston bombing today. I hope a good American that knows them will report where tthey can pick up their corpses.
Before I could even offer a plea bargain, the judge pronounced us man and wife.
Let's be honest, if the Westboro Baptist Church pickets your funeral then you've lived a good life.
Watched my first porno today... I looked much younger back then.
With all the Potato Chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
Today we celebrate freedom...while the government monitors us.
No one will think you're boring if you walk around wearing a deployed parachute 