Funny Status Messages

   Today is only my second day as a stay-at-home dad but I'm already confused. Do I get the fake tan or boobs first? And what's a zumba class?

   The only friends you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs. I guess it's just sometimes we expect more from our friends because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

   I put my WELCOME mat on the inside of my house so the world doesn't seem so scary when I leave.

   I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of saying,. "I wish I did that."

   Benadryl -- the $7 babysitter.

   That lonely moment when the only text message you get all day is from your cell phone company..

   You can't dance with the devil and expect to go home with Jesus

   If you can read this then it's your lucky day. I did my monthly Facebook friend deletions and you made the cut! Good Luck next month. ;)

   Dear God, I've been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven't been mean at all, but I'm about to get up now and I may need your help :))))))

   If I'm half Welsh and half Hungarian, I wonder if that makes me Well-Hung

   me without you is like a nerd without braces, a shoe without laces, a sentencewithoutspaces...

   You have enemies? Good, that means you stood up for something.

   thinking of celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way ...... I'll invite everyone in my neighborhood over to my house, have an enormous feast, then kill them and take their land.

   hates when you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

   worried that my latest Salvation Army donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s

   I openly admit to looking at your profile. Now, please stop with all the news feed spamming app invites.

   ❒Taken ❒Single ✔ Dont care anymore

   Stalking is such a strong word....i perfer the term surveillance expert

   Things were simpler when everything in my life fit perfectly inside my awesome Trapper Keeper.

   I just saw a baby with a t-shirt that said, "I'm what happened in Vegas!”