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Someone came up to me and said "T.G.I.F. Thank god its Friday!" I replied "S.H.I.T. Sorry hun,it's Thursday." 
Ashley cole was arrested for speeding!! In his defence, he was told tht John Terry's car was parked outside his house!!!
Great Job!! Children across the globe have stopped being abused because you let them know what your favorite childhood cartoon character was.
China has really impressed me in the Olympics. They use the same person for every event!
roses are red unicorns are pencil this poem makes no sense, toaster
Dear ladies: If you're tired of guys staring at your boobs, just turn around. We like asses too.
The last time gasoline prices were this high Joe Biden was vice president.
Ladies, Put your boobs back in your shirt, smile instead of doing that duck face and put your middle finger down. Have some self-respect.
Sure, whitepeople can't say the "n-word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "hey dad"
wants to know how we manage to raise millions to help people in a country none of us have ever been to, but can't help our own poor and homeless.
I think I overdosed on my family.....Santa has the right idea....only visit some ppl once a year.....
Seriously, if someone else had been shot in Ferguson, you know Michael Brown would've been one of the looters.
Two mancode violations to report this week: caught a guy reading his horoscope out loud to his friends, and caught wind at work that one of my friends rode on the back of another guy's motorcycle. Flagrant.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
Remember when someone would say "Get off the phone so I can use the internet" ?
WOMAN'S LOGIC... Bikini: no problem Underwear and Bra: OMG!!! DONT LOOK!!!
The silence of President Obama, the Reverend Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the rest of our black leaders on the killing of Kate Steinle sounds a lot like racism.
I couldnt find the thingy that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had saw it & apparently, she left me yesterday?!
This lady with a black eye keeps trying to talk to me. But I'm not going to respond because it's pretty apparent she doesn't listen.
Just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial, an actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth... 