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Shoutout to God for not giving wings to snakes. 
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
My kindle fire reads "50 shades of grey" to me. Its like having an obscene phonecall from Steven Hawking.
I may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend's diet coke. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
I'm participating in a 0.25K run to raise awareness for people with attention deficit disorder.
So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone's like "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"
Took my Dog to sign up for Welfare. The Clerk said that Dogs aren't eligible. I said why not, the Dog is unemployed, Lazy, Can't Speak English and doesn't have a clue who his Dad is.
- My mates were arguing over whether a glass was half empty or half full. So I took the glass and put the contents into a smaller glass. Problem f***ing solved...
How come when you open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?
Just saved a bunch of money on my Mental Insurance by switching to Psycho!
Words of Wisdom: "Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you"
If I am ever put on life support, pull the plug, wait 30 seconds and plug it back in. See if that works
I don't see why people have to say in thier status they they are getting in the shower. I don't want to picture your bare fat behind in the shower!
There's a first time for everything.......Except deja vu.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes
We all have chapters, in our lives, we don't want published. Be reminded though that it's those chapters which make the book worth reading.
I'm going to admit myself into the Hokey-Pokey Institute and turn my life around.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Angelina Jolie needs to take some time off her busy schedule of feeding the hungry and poor in third world countries and feed herself for a change. 