Funny Status Messages

   How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.

   I just returned a Rug Dr to Lowes. When asked if it worked ok I responded, "Yep got up all the blood and evidence as promised. I would recommend it to anyone"!

   Filling out a job application. Under 'Military Experience' I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.

   Went to Arby's today, and had a buddy hide in the trunk. When we got to the window to pickup our order, We had him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.I turned up the stereo, and handed the guy my money, and said loudly "I LOVE this song!!"

   God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.

   : Please do not take my kindness for weakness. Because I will not be afraid to knock you the hell out!

   Old is when your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can't do both!”

   The single hand that wipes your tears during your failures is better than the countless hands that come together to clap you on your success.

   Most men would never agree to marriage if they knew how rare it was to mate in captivity.

   Don't make fun of a fat guy with a lisp. He's probably thick and tired of it.

   STALKERS meeting tonight at that secret spot! You know the one!!

   demands: BRING ME THE HEADS OF MY ENEMIES!!! Or some cupcakes. Whichever.

   I dated a swallower. I married a ‘get that thing out of my face’.

   If you were a hobbit, your name would be Douche Baggins.

   National no bra day wasn't as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.

   I'm in my 30's, but I still feel like I'm in my 20's until I hang out with people in their 20's and I'm like, "nope, I'm in my 30's"

   I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

   Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo

   My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we're mostly pricks.

   If you love something, set it free... If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.