Funny Status Messages

   still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk

   well how long before we see KC Royals World Series shirts on the news during an ebola segment in Africa. ...

   I wish I had kim kardashans talent of not having any talent and making money off it.

   My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

   If Homer Simpson were a Democratic Congressman from Springfield, Ohio, he’d be “Homer Simpson (D-OH)"

   Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?

   Females don't want much from you except your time, attention, space, food, shirts, fun, bed covers, passwords, credit cards, life, soul......

   Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!

   CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he's called "beautiful" on Facebook today.

   My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

   Every time my girlfriend sees me naked, she sighs. Doesn't she know that sighs matters?

   Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.

   Thanks to Facebook I met everyone's mother today

   Really Baileys? Non alcoholic coffee creamers? Is that to recover from the O'Doul's hangover?

   My favorite Disney princess is now Princess Leia.

   Almost time to get me a bag of assorted candy. Last year I got mine from Batman. Superhero my ass. He wasn't as tall as I expected... and he cried like a little kid.

   Boss: You can't drink while you're working! Me: Oh, I'm not working.

   All my life I thought air was free.... until I bought a bag of potato chips

   "So You Think You Can Tickle A Polar Bear" is a show that I would love to watch.

   Thanksgiving is for thanking, not shopping..