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Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude. 
LIFE INSURANCE: a contract that keeps you poor so you can die rich
Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy
In the lives of our grandchildren and great grandchildren, OUR iphone and ipad will be THEIR rotary phone and notepad.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called "going commando"? It seems to me it wouldn't be useful in a combat situation.
Sometimes the dreams that come true are dreams you never even knew you had.
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
I appreciate the police escort, but shouldn't they be in front of me?
Am I the only one that thinks Gobbler's Knob sounds like a dirty movie title?
If we live more than 200 miles apart, I will always mark "not attending" on every invite you send me unless I get at least a month's notice. Please keep this in mind when you send out your invites.
Lucky = A man who is a woman's 1st love. Luckier = A woman who is a man's last love.
Plagiarism saves time.
I'm at the wedding, you guys just can't see me because I've got one of those weird hats on.
Well darn , looks like William and Kate are not registered at Walmart . Looks like I won't be able to get them that 48 pack of Orville Redenbacher
Just took this personality test, and it said. "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."
So glad we finally got Bin Laden! It's taken so long to kill him that iPhone was about to come out with an app for that!
wondering if anyone's considered the possibility that the Mayan calender ends on 12/21/2012 not because it's the end of the world but because they just couldn't be bothered to add any more pages to it?
It's Been A Tough Few Years For The Ocean, we've had the oil spill, the Japan radiation, and now "Hey! Mind if we put Bin Laden there too?!"
Air freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just took a dump.
If we could eavesdrop on every conversation people had about us, I'm pretty sure that none of us would have any friends. 