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Dear HBO, thanks so much for the porn every night, sincerely, kids everywhere 
You know its a sad epidemic when"MILFS" are now considered "Barely Legal" in the porn industry..
Snooki's pregnant? Wow, that's gotta be tough. I don't think they even make balloons with "Congratulations! It's a Cocaine Addict!" on them.
Went to a different bar thinking I wouldn't see anyone I knew and have a quiet drink. Everybody from my AA meeting was there.
My "I hate you" face must look very similar to my "tell me more" face. I'll have to work on that.
The best part about waking up Sunday morning is knowing that sex can be more than a quickie and you can sip your coffee instead of gulping it.
I overheard my girlfriend on the phone to her bff saying she wants to get engaged on Valentine's Day. I hope she finds someone nice.
The lengths I'm willing to go to avoid somebody I know in a supermarket could count as cardio.
If you wouldn't make her your wife.. Don't make her a mother!
I am convinced majority of women only wear high-heels to work so they don't have to help move stuff.
If all my Christmas presents were wrapped in bubble wrap... it's be like two gifts in one!!
When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.
Ever notice that the douchebag who says "See you next year!" on New Years Eve is always someone you wouldn't mind not seeing for the entire year?.......
What happens to the show 'Finding Bigfoot' once they do?
Why don't we take this relationship to the next level and you loan me some money.
I am never affected, moved or swayed by the sheer numbers of people in any particular group for I know that even idiots and fools know how to congregate.
Welcome to ticketmaster. Please enter the 2 completely illegible words to search for tickets. If you can't read the words, click here for two more completely illegible words.
If being asleep is becoming the favorite part of your day it might be time to make some changes in your life!
Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
I'm sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong. 