Funny Status Messages

   I'm happy Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman but I'd be even happier if his stepdaughters transitioned into oblivion

   I'm extremely happy which can only mean that life is going to get real fucky here any minute.

   Exercise, eat right, get good sleep, take your vitamins...die anyway.

   Personal log: "We are not even close."... *-Romans building Rome, end of day 1

   Thanks for the womb and board, Mom!

   I really admire people who exercise. This cake is dedicated to you.

   Now that prom season is over parents can start focusing on what's important like graduation and their daughters next period.

   Man at the dog park: Who's a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL???? Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

   If a vegan falls in the woods and there's nobody there to listen to them talk about being a vegan, are they still annoying?

   I want dogs to be allowed at more places and I want children under 8 to not be.

   Did you know that if you decapitate a Vegan the head can continue talking about being a Vegan for 8 minutes before it dies?

   It took dozens and dozens of flushes, but my guinea pig's funeral is finally over.

   I'm at my most "Indiana Jones" when I grab a tupperware out of the cabinet & slam the door real fast so the rest don't fly out everywhere.

   After spending any time on social media you can understand why they need to write "Do Not Eat" on silica packets.

   To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

   The downside of fame? I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately getting harassed and hounded by a waiter holding the bill.

   I'm pretty sure my inability to take things seriously, will one day get me murdered.

   There is a big difference between drinking to get drunk and drinking to stay warm, and HR needs to learn that difference.

   Common Sense, So rare it's kinda like a super power.

   When someone says: "We can still be friends" what they really mean is: "I'm not interested. Here's a consolation prize for all those wasted years."