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I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch 
Not to cause a panic but i'm starting to think we're running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.
It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don't know who this woman is but she's my new life coach.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. I only have 13 more to go!
Before forming an opinion on an important social topic, ask yourself: what would a completely unqualified millionaire celebrity actor think?
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook It's much clearer now
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?
Screw coffee, I want whatever this happy singing bird is on. Times three.
You'll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
Relationship status – bathing everyday isn't a priority anymore.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we're playing Cowboys and Indians and I'm a double agent.
Girls get away with wearing guys crap but wear one hair scrunchy and now the daughter says I can't pick her up from school anymore
Pay attention kids. I'm about to prove nothing good ever comes from getting out of bed.
Chick called the cops on me cause she opened her closet and I handed her a shirt. This why chivalry is dead
if I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer couch
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?" 