Funny Status Messages

   On the list of things NOT to do today....play with killer whale.

   How many mimes have died because no one believed they were choking..

   Next year we should just skip to 2013. Problem solved and a cool story for the history books.

   categorically denies all allegations......Next question

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment.

   Wanna play airport?

   Victoria's Secret: objects in this t-shirt may be smaller than they appear.

   You can't get on your feet until you get off your ass.

   No matter how little I do in a day....I always feel like I could have done less.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

   I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. ‘Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?

   I made eye contact with someone in traffic and then didn't let them merge. I feel like a James Bond villain.

   knows one thing about the speed of light -- It always gets here way too early in the morning.

   changing the name of MTV to Empty V. Thanks to shows like the Hills, this channel officially sucks balls now

   thinks whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never sold marijuana...

   You wouldn't believe how much time it's taken for me to send this Facebook Status update from a payphone.

   says single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and then go to the fridge..........

   I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??

   I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.

   Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking friday.