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When someone rings the doorbell...why do dogs always assume it's for them ??? 
Close your eyes and think of something that you either want or need that would make you happy. Now open your eyes. Disappointing, isn't it?
If at first you don't succeed, try relaxing your jaw a little more.
who cares about weight or looks a beautiful woman to me is one who is comfortable in her own skin with a credit score more than 715.
I see you speeding up when I'm trying to pass you. Why couldn't you go this fast when I was behind you?
Why do people re-post the same status? It wasn't funny 2 days ago. It's still not funny today
I don't want to live forever. But if I found the Fountain of Youth, I'd definitely stick my balls in it.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming
I just want to be with someone who isn't crazy but unfortunately I'm only attracted to women.
Day 10....I am thankful for Veterans......
I'm old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
I'm sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
II have a strange feeling this year's "must have" Halloween costume will be a level 4 biohazard suit
He wiped away her tears and accidentally her eyebrows too.
I wonder if gay guys make fun of each other when they do something "straight" 