Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I had to leave my new girlfriend. She was just going through too much stuff at the time. Mainly my phone and my wallet.

   Someone should check on Tyler Perry. He hasn't released a movie in like a week.

   wondering if Jewish Rabbi get paid for circumcision or do they just keep the tips???

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.

   Ten bucks says Slash has no idea where he is.

   A survey found 95% of men don't know how to turn a dishwasher on. Personally I find licking her nipples and a light fingering does the trick.

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes.

   Sometimes I feel like kicking you in the face ... but then again WHY should I help improve your looks?

   How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? I don't f*ckin' know ask Hugh Hefner

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting.

   I love it when the person's laugh is funnier than the actual joke.

   I like to lay down after sex, stroking her hair and whispering into her ear. "Why are you still here?"

   Apparently, rush hour starts the second I put my key in the ignition, no matter what time I leave.

   I don't understand why my friend and his wife won't talk to me anymore... They are vegetarians so I think it's well within my right to call their kids "Children of the Corn."

   Anybody who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

   "That guy is such a douchebag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!" - Women

   This Planking epidemic is getting way out of hand my neighbor the old lady next door been laying outside for 2 days now.

   Me watching olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!

   I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked.

   There are places in the heart you can only find when the right person comes along.