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Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time. 
Apparently waking your girlfriend up with oral sex is only romantic if you're the giver.
Blow Jobs are better than No Jobs - Bill Clinton
just got college letters from the marines, navy, army and coast gaurd. Well obviously somebody has been watching me play Call Of Duty...
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
If you're ever feeling down on your appearance, remember: even the ugliest potato can become a beautiful French fry
I don't have a horse running in the Derby but my money is on Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm gonna celebrate Cinco de Mayo the traditional way by jumping over my neighbors wall and doing some landscaping for $2.50 an hour.
So far,,, I've spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
"You know, I wish I'd never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
"Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent."
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,,, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
The Scariest Horror Movies of All Time 1. The Exorcist 2. Psycho 3. The View on ABC
We need to start naming hurricanes after rappers. People might evacuate quicker if they know hurricane Ghostface Killah is coming.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov't gets $40...
I learned something today....but I'm not telling you what because knowledge is power!
Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed
The people that doubt you are usually the ones that know you can succeed.
Chocolate chip cookie dough has a warning to not eat it raw. Who in their right mind is not going to do that. I can't even remember the last time I got cookie dough and made them into cookies.
“Until death do us part” means we're all single in heaven, right? 