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You know you've been friendzoned if a girl adds you as her brother on Facebook. 
If I'm down on my knees, I'm probably not one who's begging.
Elmer Fudd knew how to deal with a duck face.
If my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.
How come you can wear jeans everyday and nobody cares... but you wear a shirt twice in one week and you're suddenly homeless?
Ladies; if you're not prepared to drink the whole bottle of wine, don't even uncork it.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
It is so hot, and I have typed so much, I am having to dunk my fingers in gatorade to keep them from cramping!
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I'm not even married.
If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.
I dont talk to strangers, but I will stare and judge like I know them. Thanks for that skill grandma
Attention Club Lonely... Keep posting those deep, philosophical, pseudo, life enriching quotes on your profiles. It tells the opposite sex what a day at the amusement park you are.
I am just one step away from being very rich. All I need now is a lot of Money!
My dog and I have the best conversations when I'm drunk.
Keeping the list of naughty girls all to yourself? Well played Santa.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.........
all warm in my snuggie, well its really my bathrobe on backwards, but wtf
if this toaster thinks setting 3 is "burn to a crisp and light on fire", I don't even want to know what setting 6 does.
A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is… “Don't put that on Facebook!”
Sometimes I need what only some people can provide: Their absence. 