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Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. 
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I'm done.
Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up.
Does a prostitute file pregnancy as a work-related accident?
sweet old lady in front of me driving the lincoln, smoking with one hand and texting with the other, please stop hitting your brakes because I am gonna spill my beer
I hate when I throw my phone onto my bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...
I knew that the reality TV show Survivor was a sham the minute I noticed that the women still had smooth legs and arm pits after day 6.
A lot of problems would disappear if people talked to each other more than talking about each other.
Hey, people who name things. Good job on "waiting room." Really spot on.
Ladies: A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world...oh sorry thats wine...wine does that.
Say no to drugs and socks with sandals
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?
How come I never got invited to eat tacos outside Bills office?
When the bed is making more noise than the girl, it's probably time for a replacement.
Wonders how many poor undeserving children of the next generation will be named Bella, Edward, Jacob or Cullen.
Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.
"Cool, I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin 