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I hate when I throw my phone onto my bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and kill a cat. 
Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...
I knew that the reality TV show Survivor was a sham the minute I noticed that the women still had smooth legs and arm pits after day 6.
A lot of problems would disappear if people talked to each other more than talking about each other.
Hey, people who name things. Good job on "waiting room." Really spot on.
Ladies: A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world...oh sorry thats wine...wine does that.
Say no to drugs and socks with sandals
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?
How come I never got invited to eat tacos outside Bills office?
When the bed is making more noise than the girl, it's probably time for a replacement.
Wonders how many poor undeserving children of the next generation will be named Bella, Edward, Jacob or Cullen.
Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.
"Cool, I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin
I have been watching the Texas Rangers the entire postseason and not once has Walker got to play....
To anyone who would risk their lives for their country foreign or domestic, I tip my hat to you.
Why pay to watch the new Twilight movie when setting yourself on fire is free?
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.
How come the girls with the sluttiest Facebook pages are the one's who talk the loudest about their Christian values?
'North Korea threatens new nuclear test.' Pfft... Lets be honest, have you ever owned anything made in Korea that worked? 