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I always seem to be running late. My ancestors came over on the Juneflower. 
Time to call HBO and tell them my kids ordered this fight by mistake
Fun Fact: If a rapper raps about how much money he has, I will be downloading his album for free.
It is amazing how many people have bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.
Hillary is now on reason #549 why she lost the election.
When he was told Sanders was stepping down, Joe Biden congratulated him on all that great chicken.
Dear lady with 4 screaming children at the supermarket.. I would like to either discipline your children or slap you in the face for not learning to control them..
The nutritional facts on a box should just tell you the amount of exercise needed to burn off what you're about to eat.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
F*CK! I'm so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
Lazy Rule #14: If you drop the ice cube, just kick it under the fridge or the stove...
That's the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good life.
The proper skirt length is at least 2 inches below your cellulite.
Bring a bolt to an amusement park. Get on a roller coaster with a person who looks terrified. When the ride starts, hold up the bolt and say, "Wait...where did this come from?"
Ladies, enough with the mind games. If you like a boy, grab his hand and shove it down your pants!
just dropped skittles in the toilet and flushed....... it was like a 10 second Nascar race
Finally got my "My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Roll Student" bumper sticker in the mail.
She tried keeping up with the Kardashians, but now it burns when she pees. 