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When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape. 
Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I'm asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!
wondering, if you get Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World, what do you get at Dollywood?
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.
mountains aren’t just funny, they are hill areas!!!
Research says laughter can lengthen your life and smoking shortens it. So, I always chuckle between puffs.
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine...
☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar *´¨`*:.☆ HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!!
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die
I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said, ''I love you.'' She said, ''Is that you or the beer talking?'' I replied, ''It's me... talking to the beer!''
it just me or does Oscar the grouch look like a big pile of weed?
Sometimes it's better to just quietly miss someone than to let them know and still be ignored.
Somebody please take Grandpa Biden's keys away before he drives us into a ditch. Oops, too late.
Now remember kids, if anyone ever offers you drugs, say 'Thank you', cause drugs are expensive.
Nothing screams jealous insecure trust issues louder than a joint Facebook profile.
Internet Explorer - the best browser in the world for downloading Firefox.
this one sucks.. keep scrolling
I met with my new girlfriends father for the first time yesterday. The first thing I said to him was, "Sir, you and me have something in common.." "What's that son?" I replied "Your daughter calls us both Daddy"
The POKE button is getting old on Facebook, I want to see a CHOKE or BODY SLAM option!
So many fun things to say.....too many relatives on Facebook to post!! 