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Shark week is over, but I'm not taking my decorations down 
I love how people b*tch on h3re about stealing a stat from a webs!te or a person. Like, WTF are you doing on T Js anyway? I'm pretty sure your h3re to steal a stat.
I got a call today from a distorted voice saying "Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife" Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.
Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.
What's this I hear about some 19 year old girl getting Justin Bieber pregnant?
Valentine's Day is for people who lack the imagination to be romantic during the rest of the year.
I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle.
If women are SOOOOOOOO good at muti-tasking, why cant they have sex and a headache at the same time?
Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!?
People that drive below the speed limit are the same people that are never invited to parties.
Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or you're taking sh!t from some @sshole!
When I grocery shop for the wife I always buy cucumbers smaller than me, just in case.
Just once I want a Walmart greeter to give me the finger and mouth the words "f*ck you."
What makes me so funny? My strict diet of sunshine and unicorn meat!
If I had to choose one person that I really look up to.... It would be myself, for having the strength to get up everyday and overcome myself.... I'm the most self-destructive person alive
I ask Google all the questions I'm too embarrassed to ask other people.
you can get whatever you want in this life,if you have self confidence,determination...and huge t!ts.
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"...
I don't mind going to work. It's that 8 hour wait to go home that sucks!
How can you tell a woman is having a bad day?? she has a tampon behind her ear and cant find her cigarette 