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Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment. 
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house
If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.
When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again
Are they still bad habits if I like them?
"We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.
Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.
me: it's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up cop: that's not how field sobriety tests work
Can anybody cover my shift tonight? ~ Santa Claus
It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
When this is over.. What meeting will you need to attend first.. Weight watchers or AA ?
I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.
You'd be surprised at how quick Lowe's employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Your ignorance may be bliss, but it’s giving the rest of us a headache. 