Funny Status Messages

   The same people who are pushing "Pregnant Men Emoji's" are canceling you for "Misinformation."

   As I've gotten older, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more. I guess its time to move out, its starting to get weird.

   I can easily tell from the quality of your p0sts when some of you have run out of weed.

   Just woke my kids up and told them, “It's Father's Day! Where's my present?” They just started crying.

   Dear Crush, If your "shower brb" was intended to make me imagine you naked.. Mission accomplished!"

   She's not the sharpest marble in the crayon shed.

   When alcohol does it's taxes it claims me as a dependant.

   Congrats to Jay Cutler, soon to be Dad... Just goes to show that he cant get protection on or off the field.

   Can't say I'm surprised by the Kanye West - Kim Kardashian union, considering they both have egos the size of her ass.

   While you were busy judging others you left your closet open and your skeletons fell out.

   Hey astronauts, find something with eyeballs or don't come back. Enough is enough.

   I'm not a soccer fan,, but if the St. Louis Steamers soccer team ever move to Cleveland,, I'm TOTALLY buying a jersey..

   For a day that doesn't exist, I sure got a lot done.

   Hey,,,, I said I'd be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.

   YouTube... The only way you'll ever see MTV play music videos.

   Normally, having a pillow fight used to be fun, until "Memory Foam" made an appearance.

   They're playing Nicki Minaj at the zoo. Wait no, just a couple of chimpanzees fighting.

   Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I'm trying to update my e-harmony profile

   You haven't experienced awkwardness and felt like a complete idiot until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.

   Marriage.........when dating goes way too far!