Funny Status Messages

   I heard Mayan calendars are selling like there's no tomorrow...

   Billion dollar idea: bacon flavored weight loss pills.

   I don't drink so that I'm more fun to be around. I drink so that you're more fun to be around.

   Let's cut to the chase already and just officially rename it Motherfuckingmonday.

   I think people who challenge me at WORDS WITH FRIENDS are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.

   North Korea's Rocket launch was a failure. Well, DUH!! They need to put the Coke in first, THEN the Mentos.

   I always read my Krispy Kreme order from a pretend list,, so they think I'm getting donuts for the whole office.

   I don't always correct someone's spelling but when I do, I google it first so I don't make an ass of myself.

   Leap year on a hump day? Oh, the innuendo possibilities are endless...

   I bet most braille on public signs says: "How did you know this was here?"

   I call the bomb squad everytime a package is delivered at work so we can stand outside & bull sh$it the rest of the day.

   It's complicated" is just code for, "I'm willing to cheat."

   I sure do act like I know a lot for someone who falls over 3 or 4 times per week while putting on underwear

   I'm drinking coffee because people think you've got a problem if you drink vodka in the morning!

   Best Buy just announced plans to lay off 600 Geek Squad employees. In response, Geek Squad employees were like, “Phew, good thing I already live with my parents.”

   Don't wear the label people give you!! They only know you're name and not your story and one day eventually some of them will end up having to kiss your ass!!

   You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

   I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong

   I've just spent the past hour chasing a daddy long legs around my house... then I realised I had a crack in my glasses.

   Please don't try my patience. I already tried it and it doesn't work.