Funny Status Messages

   [in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope

   Beam him up, Scotty. There is no more intelligent life down here.

   I don't speak Spanish, but I'm pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"

   BREAKING NEWS: Handsome rich man from New England forced to take 4 week vacation with Super Model Wife...Nations Weep...

   If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail.

   I say "no thanks" to the great airfare offer from Virgin Airlines...I'd rather fly on an airline that goes all of the way.

   "Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though." - american media

   The Happy Meal at Taco Bell comes with a pair of clean underwear.

   Alright ISIS, Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. You can stop now.

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at.

   Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is “limo window partition” between the front and back seat not an option yet?

   Kids are more sensitive to bullying these days because they never grew up dealing with the dog from Duck Hunt.

   Apparently Michael Douglas has not heard of Orbitz gum

   So now like 30% of our national security database is cat pictures, right?

   .... Tonight I went to a gunfight and the BET Awards broke out......

   I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but I think shorts should be longer than your v@gina.

   I don't understand the fuss about Justin Bieber puking on stage. It's normal. It happens to me every time he comes on the radio.

   Sometimes, when I don't want my wife to find something,,, I put it in her purse.

   No one can text faster than a pissed off woman

   Economists are predicting that "black Friday" sales figures will pale in comparison to "the Mayans were wrong Saturday " sales figures...